DA FIVER CODE VOL. 3

 

The Fiver email header

[Friday 6 November 2009]   

"The Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) has granted the request for a stay filed by Chelsea Football Club," CAS (CAS) said today, talking about itself in the third person in a manner usually reserved for overly self-important R’n’B singers with sculpted goatee beards.

— Just when you think FIVER writers finally decided to behave themselves and be dignified… HA!

With this in mind, the Fiver can only applaud today’s decision by the Court of Behind Closed Doors Stuffed Around a Groaning Buffet Table Back-Scratching Arbitration for Sport (CAS) to "suspend" Chelsea‘s transfer ban.

— Honesty is not pretty.

Which would allow Roman Abramovich the whole of the upcoming winter transfer window to kick-start the global football economy by splashing out far too much on a single fashionable pet Russian that he can carry around in a small calf-skin shoulder bag.

— People have lost kneecaps and toilet bits for less than what’s been suggested here.

IN THE “IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT’S HOW YOU SAY IT” DEPARTMENT:

"There is no sign of recovery from this injury so we are looking at whether it is to do with his lower back," purpled Lord Ferg.

"I don’t want the game to be about Darren Bent v Spurs," third-personed Bent, "because it’s so much more than that."

"I’d like to see a two-tier Premier League because I am a Scotsman," he och-ayed.

"I want a call-up to the national side to be a joy for all the players, not torture," he whooped.

MORE FROM THE CENTER FOR CREATIVE EUPHEMISM:

After poking round Fernando Torres’s nether regions with a pointy stick, Spain’s top groin expert says the Liverpool striker needs three weeks’ rest

—  i.e. a medical checkup.  Imagine getting paid to poke around that hottie’s pshysiog!

dodgy shellfish knack

— food poisoning from bad shellfish.  Now, looking at how it’s worded, does it mean that the knack is feigned or that the shellfish was off? Ambiguity makes for great writing.

THE LOCAL PATOIS:

“DOWN THE DRINKER

—  down at the pub or bar

current

  1. THE GUARDIAN’S FIVER-isms: A Glossary for Glazey-Eyed
  2. MORE SOCCER-RELATED POSTS
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