guardian.co.uk’s tea-time take on the world of football
Just like Harold Bloom turns authors’ names into adjectives, THE FIVER turns an alarming variety of bodily noises into verbs — some I didn’t even know were possible by humans. These snippets have been harvested from 2009 columns of THE FIVER. I think their humor writing is absolutely top writing!
"[We] confirm they have made the offer to Manchester United for the acquisition of the rights of the player [Him]," ole-ole-ole-ed a piece of paper delivered from the Bernabéu by a winged fez-wearing monkey earlier today.
"At [His] request – who has again expressed [His] desire to leave – and after discussion with [His] representatives, United have agreed to give [Them] permission to talk to [Him]," harrumphed a magnanimous Manchester United club statement this morning.
"Consultations with Utrecht, the town and the club, have proved fruitless and I want no risk," sniffed Amsterdam mayor Job Cohen.
"We’re an attractive proposition to other companies," honked an SFA spokesman.
"If you’re at the club you always wanted to be at, then that goes beyond any money," Beckham wiffled from the fly-speckled porch of his luxury aluminium trailer.
"He’ll be the last person we sign," puces Ferguson. [Author’s note: How the F*&$ do you make a color a verb???]
**This counts towards my "Blog Countdown to South Africa 2010!"