BORING THINGS PEOPLE SAY ABOUT BOOKS & READING

THESE ARE ACTUAL AND MOSTLY ACTUAL THINGS I HAVE HEARD, OVERHEARD AND BEEN ON THE RECEIVING END OF IN VARIOUS SOCIAL SITUATIONS.  IT TAKES EVERY MUSCLE IN MY FACE TO NOT YAWN OR SCOWL OR HAVE MY EYES GLAZE AND CROSS.  LISTENING TO THESE ASININE, INSIPID, IGNORANT, VAPID BANALITIES IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME EMIGRATE JUST TO AVOID THAT PERSON.  ENJOY!

 

"I read a book once."

"I have a book."

"I read my kids’ books."

"Oh, I never read." (must be said in supercilious tone of voice for the full effect)

"I wish I read more…blah, blah, blah, sob story, etc."

"Oh my God, did you see the movie!"

"I don’t have time to read." (again with the supercilious tone)

"I’d rather spend time with my kids." (children are used mercilessly as excuses for not reading anything ever)

"I read to my kids."

"I’m not a reader, but my kids are."

"I just read the comics." (depending on the age and gender of person, substitute sports page, front page, horoscope and/or society pages)

"I read magazines."

"I have all the Danielle Steele books." (At this point, homicide is a viable option.)

Anything about Oprah Winfrey book selections (again with the homicide)

"We have all the Harry Potter books."

"My child reads "everything"."  (subtext: I read nothing and I’m trying to live vicariously through my child so I push him/her to be everything I was too lazy to be.)

"We go to the bookstore all the time."

"I admire people who read."

You’re about to mention that Animal Farm would be a really good book to read in an election year and when the other person picks up on that, they start banging on about how much they like DaVinci Code or Tom Clancy or Grisham.

There’s plenty more, unfortunately.  But this is a start.

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